Part 1 – Arranging Marriage

 

Marriage is one of societies most revered and ancient constructs. In many cultures it is considered the foundational element of building a society. While some have begun wearing away from this traditional institute and all the norms associated with it, many still do believe in it. They believe in it, either because they are conditioned to do so, or because they have seen merit in a certain nuanced application of the system. Marriage, is a word that is loaded with varying nuances and connotations. 

 

As such, even the approaches to finding a partner are greatly varied. From the romantic love stories of movies and books, to the archaic and widely frowned upon forced marriages, and everything in between. 

 

All these varieties of marriage are placeable on a spectrum of choice and freedom. Choice of spouse and freedom of how the relationship advances.  

A forced marriage is on one end with zero choice and zero freedom. And a love marriage is on the other end with extensive choice and freedom. 

An arranged marriage maybe somewhere in the middle, but the term is quite ambiguous. It could mean one, where adults have agreed and the children, trusting their parents to have their best interests at heart, have agreed as well. This is less common nowadays. 

 

But there is one more nuance that could be applied to this approach, which is still quite prevalent.  An arranged-love-marriage if you will. In this case, the couple may be matched based on some criteria and then allowed to see and meet each other to explore the possibility of a relationship. It’s not quite a dating-followed-by-love-followed-by-marriage situation, but it does involve some elements of that process in a more controlled format. Choice and freedom both have a balanced effect on the outcome. Choice of spouse is available, however, you may not just date anyone as you have to express a clear intention before anything starts off. Freedom is limited to seeing and speaking to your candidate within a controlled environment. The relationship cannot advance before the knot is tied. 

 

The concept of matching two people based on broad similarities and compatibility is, in my humble opinion, quite a good idea. Add to that, a period of getting to know each other, so the two can see, if in fact, the broad notion of their compatibility pans out. Then, you’ve got a happy union based on a good foundation. 

 

With this approach, the uncertainties of the modern dating trail are removed, since both parties come into it with the clear intention of taking things further. The conundrum of ‘Where is this going ?’ fades away. And many may agree, that the person they would choose to date, may not be the same as the person they would choose to marry.

 

Anyhow, the idea of getting to know each other sufficiently enough to commit into a lifetime together, maybe shaky in itself. Some things only reveal themselves after the couple takes the dive, real life starts happening, and the emotional feeling of commitment in the long term is felt. So, a clear intentioned getting-to-know period can be more useful and perhaps less stressful than dating and the ambiguity that goes with it. This period is usually limited as I said earlier, both in terms of the nature of the relationship, as well as the time spent, but that is what makes it unique and prevents it from becoming a proxy for dating. 

 

Part 2 – The setup

 

Taking a step down from the conceptual ladder of this subject, let’s get into the shoes of an actual participant. What must one look for in a bride-to-be ? How can we choose the ideal partner ? Should we base it on looks ? Should we base it on education ? Conversation ? Kindness ? 

 

That’s where this story starts. With a typical setup. The girl who I was to meet came over to my sister’s place for the first intro. I was shown a picture of her prior to that. She had brown eyes, black hair, fair-ish skin and all in all a soft gaze. I myself, introverted as I am, was looking for someone who wouldn’t be too much to handle, but could still be fun. A nice girl. She looked like she matched the bill. 

 

Out in my sister’s spacious balcony, the quiet and green surroundings set a calm and relaxed mood. We sat down across a table that had been set out for our meeting. I said Hi, she said Hey and we started talking. It wasn’t awkward or unnerving and I felt more comfortable than I had expected to be. I felt like she was a bit pensive at first, but she soon sat back and relaxed into the conversation. Other than my sister, there was no other family waiting for us. I think my sister had found some excursion for her husband too. Just to let us sit together for a bit, without any pressure or rush.

 

We started things off by telling each other a bit about ourselves. I told her about my engineering degree and she spoke about her interior design studies. She loved the university she was going to, because of the diversity there, she said. And that really sounded cool. I’ve known a few tight laced people who just can’t mingle with anyone who isn’t totally agreeable with them. I always think to myself – Just spread some love, and share some joy. it’s not like you have to marry them !

 

She mentioned some of her friends. There was the girl who was her teammate on the latest project she was assigned. They were to visit two contrasting properties and design a space that blended their styles together. Very interesting. So they chose to go to a mosque and a night club! It was her friends idea, and she was very excited about how Jane helped her push the boundaries like that. ‘Ok, now that’s a bit extreme’, I blurted out. She smiled pleasantly and softly said ‘I did get a good grading though’. She was like that throughout the conversation, very polite, subtle and nice. Even when she disagreed, she did it nicely. I loved that. 

 

She then went on to speak about a trip she took recently. She and a few of her friends went to China. Wow! I’ve never been there. I’ve been to Malaysia, which is Asia, but I’m guessing it’s quite different. One of the restaurants they visited had them seated on the floor. The low table they used was called a Chabudai. She said it in a chinese accent! The food was absolutely unique. Nothing like the Chinese food in Sri Lanka. Apparently, the spicy kick is a Sri Lankanised twist. She complained about sitting on the floor though. 

 

That surprised me, because we sit down on the floor at community meals all the time. 

 

Still, I was drawn to her love for travel and food. It felt like I was talking to a person, with whom I could have a lot of fun. Some people couldn’t care what the food was, as long as they got in a quick meal and saw plenty of sights. If I married someone like that we may find ourselves pulling apart at every holiday. The food of a place is an exploration of their culture in a very intimate way. Hearing their emotions around it and experiencing it with them is a trip into the soul of the locals. Even more than the sites. That’s how I see it anyway. 

 

I didn’t mind too much that she was hogging the conversation. But I did get in a little bit about my trip to Bali with some friends. Even though we do have amazing beaches and wonderful resorts in Sri Lanka, there was something special there. Additionally, there was the cheap shopping, almost getting scammed at the dollar exchange, the amusement park and so on. Fun times. ‘Scammed at the exchange?’ she asked. ‘Yep, with some sleight of hand and sweet talk the guy gave us all short cash. He counted it out aloud right before our eyes, and yet we had less than counted when we got back to the hotel. When one of us found out that he didn’t have the full amount, his first thought was that he must have dropped some notes. But then we all checked, and went back to the guy. He acted surprised, but in an act of extremely suspicious trust, settled all the shortfalls without hassle! It’s a little trick he pulls I suppose. If it works, fine. If not, he doesn’t want trouble. 

 

That story was a good choice, because it made me seem like I’ve had my share of diverse experiences too. Not just the boring engineering geek anymore. 

 

There was that one street we didn’t visit though. You know, where a fair share of gender mixups can happen, and the hot and humid weather is not a problem, since minimal clothing is the norm. I couldn’t quite read her expression on that. Was she put off by the mention of it, or put off by my not visiting it ? 

 

As the sun was about to set, I looked at my watch and suggested we go inside. That worked nicely as a subtle way to end the meeting. I felt good about myself for handling it smoothly. Almost as nicely as her. 

 

As I went home that night, I knew I was going to have to say how I felt about her. I didn’t have to say if I wanted to marry her just yet, only if I was interested enough for one or two more meetings.  

 

She seemed nice and agreeable, but there was something bugging me- a little thorn in my foot. I started thinking; Travel, food, fun and friends – it could be the start to a colorful life. And she was pretty, so I was trying to like her anyway. But was the church and night club merger, a defining trait about her ? I like to experience different things, but at heart I’m quite traditional. She had spoken about how she liked eating with everyone at the community hall. She liked our cultural cuisine but she wasn’t a fan of the traditional way of sitting down on the floor for it– but she did like the company. Sitting down on the floor is a fundamentally ‘us’ thing though isn’t it ? She seemed averse to ‘us’ things in general. 

 

At this point, I started thinking about a conversation I once had with a friend of mine, who was already married. How do you know which girl is the one ? ‘Well, firstly,’ he had said, ‘stop trying to woo her or put on a show. Once you realise that you are not trying to choose someone to go out with, but someone you can come home to, you are in the right frame of mind to make a good choice’. Wise fellow my dear friend. A few years ahead of his age!

 

So, although she was agreeable and likeabele, she was actually, on a very deeper level, quite different to me. And that’s why I felt stretched. This is not to say whether she was generally good or bad. But she was essentially less inclined to the deeper level things that make me who I am. It was difficult to see at first, because she was really nice! But, I had been reaching, trying to seem different than I am, or to avoid coming off as boring. But surely I wouldn’t be able to sustain that on a daily basis. And eventually, she too would get frustrated as the real me would contrast with the first me. 

 

So, I declined a second meeting. I’m not sure how she responded, because I myself said no.  Later on when I did meet the person I married, I realised I had made the right choice. 

 

Some years later, I came across that girl again when she too was already married. We laughed about our little meeting on the balcony, and since then, share a friendly acquaintance. She also agreed that she had thought I was nice but felt that she’d have to change too much to be with me.  

 

Part 3 – Nice People

 

Niceties are not bad. Good, friendly interaction depends on them in fact. The last thing you want is too much information, or abrupt crudeness with the excuse; “I’m always frank and straight forward”. A little temperance please, for the sake of respecting each others’ differences. For friendship, fun and even collaboration, nice and diverse works. But, when making the most important decisions of our life, and forging close intimate relationships, we do need to dig deeper beyond the nice person, to who they really are, and discover their most fundamental values and beliefs. Without that, we may, in the best case feel exhausted, or in the worst, end up at odds with them when it really matters. 

 

In short, a nice person, is someone who appeals to our surface level interests, but the right person requires something more. And sometimes, the ‘nice’ can prevent us from looking deeper to find the right. 

 

This is probably expandable to all important choices we make in our life. Nice vs. right. Wants vs. ought-to’s. And so on. 

 

A job with a good pay and benefits maybe nice, but to a fundamentally free soul, a small business without those perks maybe what is right. 

 

A big bungalow with a lush garden maybe nice to have, but to someone who is more inclined to being out of the house, the hassle of maintaining it may not be worth it. A cosy apartment, or mini-home is what would fit better with their lifestyle. 

 

The next time I’m faced with a big choice that involves a significant commitment, I hope I can choose right over nice.